It’s been a few depressing, confusing days and I guess it has reflected on the type of posts I’ve been putting up.
Everyone has a phase. One which changes them, affects them, in a big way. Some have it in the form of addiction, some in the form of isolation and some, in the form of rebellion.
I rebelled. Against myself.
If I had to give a summation of the last four years of my school life, I’d say – self discovery.
I’ve been so busy trying to get to know myself that there came a point in time when I became someone I had never been. I became the worst version of myself and for once I felt liberated. In that liberation though, came ignorance, arrogance, rudeness, lies and betrayals; all of which I had stayed away from in all of the years prior to “the phase”.
I’m back now. I snapped out of the need to be someone I wasn’t. I don’t feel super great or rosy but I feel grounded and satisfied. In this process, I’ve lost a lot of people, all to keep a few and those choices, whether right or wrong, are okay for me. I’m alright. Everything happens for a reason.
I think I’m a good person who’s had to make a few really tough choices and they haven’t always been happy or easy decisions. Making these decisions was hard because I didn’t know how to say ‘no’ to good people, it scared me to hurt someone I thought was nice but I still went ahead and avoided it at the expense of someone else’s happiness. Uh, bad judgment. Guess, I’ve been too hard on myself and if I hadn’t been, I’d have known the importance of saying ‘no’ to save that person and myself from any conflicts in the future. Saying ‘no’ has been hard and the kind that makes us both sad but then again, you don’t always get the world and you can’t please everyone so you choose who to please and who to keep.
What’s done is done now. That rebellion is over and I’ve accepted myself. It didn’t happen overnight, obviously, it took a year of conflicting, struggling and rebelling to come to a stage where I tired out enough to realize what I was truly doing and how wrong it was. A stupid, naive person getting caught in things because she does not want to hurt people, ends up hurting people. Damn right. Any day now I’d chose to hurt someone with the truth of a ‘no’ than to hurt two with a ‘yes’ or a ‘maybe’.
I’m happy I’m aware now, on a better path and finally finding closure. After all these battles, it’s time to move on. At last, I’m not circling around that one rock, I’m walking forward. I hope so.
Look forward to happier posts.
Until next time,