Hi. Let’s do this.
I’m sitting alone in a dark room right now with a face smeared with charcoal stains of unhappiness, anger and disappointment. Yes, we all have problems but let’s just recognize the fact that some problems are those that a lot of us face collectively without even knowing.
College – I’ve dreamt of it ever since I realized my dream of being a journalist. My parents made so many sacrifices behind closed doors which I never knew of, making me feel like I had an easy life. I appreciated my easy, stress free life and worked on making myself the most capable version of me. I worked hard, studied hard through nights and nights and through headaches, bad moods and personal problems. All throughout, I worked towards one goal and one goal only, college. When I started making my list of colleges, I put in all the colleges I knew offered amazing journalism courses, the perfect runway for a smooth takeoff and a soaring career. I chose USC, Northwestern, Princeton, Brown, Boston, CMU and NYU as my dream schools along with others that I wished to apply to. The real fall came when I realized the fee for them and also had my bubble of ‘financial aid’ popped. No financial aid was given to most international applicants and well, I can’t afford it. I can’t afford a whopping $65-67k tuition in addition to the costs of travelling to and from home every year. I have a younger brother and my school is already pretty expensive.
So, what’d I do? I cry, I shout, I scream and I anger myself over how everything depends on paper, on money. It’s realism that hits me hard being the eternally optimistic person that I am. Money – the one word that makes me well up and be angry at the same time. Why in the world is it that dreams have a price tag? I know that’s the way of the world but why is it? For me, it’s something so new and you might laugh or smirk at my foolishness but it is something to see your dreams shatter right in from of your eyes. You’re so close to making it but yet so far and helpless. So far, so helpless.
I have to accept the situation I’m in. Along with a lot of things going on in my life is this, my uncertain future which is scarily unpredictable and not something I’d ever thought I’d have to prepare myself for. But, it’s there and it’s the reality.
Let’s see what happens and where life takes me. For now, lets’ just say, I’ve learnt an important lesson and truly, this is my realization of knowing that life isn’t fair. Life is so not fair but there’s nothing you can do about it other than just making with what you’ve got.
So, f**k it. It’s okay if i’m not able to pay my way to a great a** college, I’ll still come out of whatever college I go to happy and content. I’ll still work for the magazines I’ve always dreamt of working with and I’ll still learn and grow to become what I always wanted to be; a writer even if it comes at a cost of not being able to reach there the way I had dreamt. No matter what, no matter how, I will figure something out because that’s the only way I won’t be put down and burnt out by the many tyrannies of life and reality.
Let’s see what’s coming and I’ll cross the bridge, hell, I’ll fly over it when I get there.
If I haven’t got the money, I’ve got the hope and the drive which I’m ready to dream off of.
Also, rage against the world and its systems is pretty good inspiration. I wrote this silly poem whilst crying and later when I’d calmed down, I read it and it made me smile. Worth it.
PS – Sorry for the language but let’s be real, anger doesn’t actually lead to embellished speech.
It’s all about the money,
Green paper from the banks,
Your dreams don’t come to reality,
If you can’t pay for them in cash.
You slog your way through hurdles,
You prove yourself each time,
But sorry doors are closed on you,
If you don’t have a dime.
To be someone in this world,
Is this what we really need?
Just paper, power, money, wealth,
You’re killing dreams with greed.
Days spent crying in anger,
Bring nothing to you,
Even if you slog your a**,
You’re still behind by the few.
I know this post features words that are not the nicest but they really help me bring out my anger. I apologize but yes, it’s real, the emotions and the writing, for all I care.